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Rules of Gay Dating #8: Know When To Fold 'Em

By Josh Aterovis

The great sage Kenny Rogers once said, "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away, and know when to run." He wasn't talking specifically about dating, but it's good advice nonetheless.

The first bit, "know when to hold 'em," is the easy part. Most of us know when we have a keeper. And knowing when to run is usually pretty simple as well. The big, flashing neon "CRAZY" on their forehead is a sure sign it's time to fire the starting pistol. It's the rest that get a little trickier. How do you know when to fold 'em? And when do you walk away?

Which brings us to Rule #8: Know what to avoid and when to bail. You can avoid a certain amount of folding, walking, and running just by knowing what to avoid in the first place. The first thing to avoid is the aforementioned crazies. Understand, I'm not necessarily talking about someone with an actual mental illness. Crazy is merely an umbrella term I use to encompass many different types, including everything from the needy cling-on to the rusher.

I'll give you two examples from my own dating experience. After coming out of my eight year relationship, some guy randomly asked me out while cutting my hair. I figured I had to get back in the dating pool at some point and I might as well jump in the deep end, and since he was fairly cute and seemed sweet, I agreed to meet him for a drink. Twenty minutes into the date, he was talking about what kind of dog we were going to get and planning our entire weekend. This example can serve two purposes. One, it illustrates a good time to run like the devil himself is after you. Two, it also demonstrates what NOT to do on a date.

The next case in point happened some time later. I went on two dates with someone before he started casually referencing when I was going to move in with him. Oh, and he introduced me to his parents. And changed his Facebook status to "in a relationship" before we'd ever even discussed whether or not we were boyfriends. And...well, let's just say a whole lot of red flags were flying high. This example leads nicely into Rule #9: Don't rush it! But we'll save that for next time.

These "red flag" types are fairly easy to spot and tend to give themselves away pretty quickly. Here are a few more common mistakes gay men make. Don't date drug users. I'm not talking about the occasional doobie here and there — although that might even be too much for some people. I'm referring to heavy drug use. If your date likes to dabble in illegal substances, you're pretty much guaranteed a road to heartache, so do yourself a favor and take the first exit. Alcoholics count here, too.

Gay people of the world, here's a bit of advice. Avoid the straights. Just about every gay person on the planet has fallen for a straight friend, and we all know it only ends in a broken heart. You'd think we'd learn, but no. Admittedly, it's getting harder and harder to tell as the lines blur and straight guys are more and more comfortable around gay men. For much of the younger generation, it's not even considered a big deal for a straight boy to make out with a gay boy now and then. I guess we guys are finally getting a taste of what it's been like for lesbians all these years.

There's one more type that is a lot harder to spot early on, but just as important to avoid: the needy user. They'll take and take and take until you have nothing left to give, and they'll still need more. For some, it's an emotional need, but for others, it can be physical as well. Learn the signs and know when to walk away.

If you learn to spot these folks early enough, you won't have to worry about folding later in the game when things get a lot messier. If your date is dealing you cards that fall into one of these categories, don't be afraid to cut your losses early and end the date. Politely, of course.

We'll end the way we began, with some more wise advice from Mr. Rogers: "Now every gambler knows that the secret to survivin' is knowin' what to throw away and knowing what to keep. 'Cause every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser, and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep." Okay, so that last bit was a little depressing, but the rest you can take to the bank. Until next time...Happy Dating!