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Single Black Sheep

Rules of Gay Dating #9: Where's the Fire?

By Josh Aterovis

In Rule #7, I referenced the old lesbian U-Haul joke, but let's be honest, it's not like gay guys are any different. And I'm sure there are many straights who would freely admit they're not much better, either — although they do tend to have the whole straight-guy-afraid-of-commitment thing going on. Over all, though, I'd say rushing is one of the surest ways of dooming a relationship.

Rushing was actually one of the things to avoid I wrote about in Rule #8, but I think it's important enough to merit its own rule. In the last column, I mentioned dating someone who definitely tried to rush things. In reality, I dated a string of guys who wanted to skip the whole getting-to-know-each-other stage and get right to the old-married-couple part.

One guy was planning what dogs we were going to get the first time we met. The next guy wanted to have an intimate dinner at his house that ended in his bedroom for our first real date. Another guy started talking about my moving in with him and introduced me to his parents on our second date. That same guy also changed his relationship status to "in a relationship" after that second (and last) date. It just doesn't work like that, guys. There's no such thing as an instant relationship: Just add water!

Why are we in such a hurry these days? Where's the fire? Is your biological clock really ticking that loudly? I understand that deep down we all want to be loved, and love in return, but strong relationships take time to develop. We've all heard stories of love at first sight, or couples who met each other and just knew, but there's a difference between attraction and building a relationship — or, for that matter, even between love and a successful relationship. If you really sit down and talk to one of those couples, I bet you'd find out that, while it might have seemed like love at first sight, they actually spent a lot of time and effort getting to know each other and fashioning a successful relationship.

It's a lot like building a house. You can't just skip the foundation because it takes too long. If you do, your whole house will fall down around you when the first storm comes along.

Now, every relationship is different, so what kind of foundation you build and how long it takes will differ from couple to couple. One thing they will all have in common, though, is a period of time where you get to know each other. What ever happened to courtship? It seems like such a quaint, old-fashioned concept in our modern, fast-pace society, but there's something to be said for taking the time to woo the object of your affection. And come on, who doesn't want to be wooed? Take a little time to get to know each other before declaring yourself boyfriends.

And while we're on the subject, don't necessarily rush into bed either. Nothing complicates a relationship faster than sex. Give your budding bond a break and bide a bit before biting the bullet. But don't wait too long...you don't want to fall head over heels with someone only to find out you're not sexually compatible. That's a whole other can of worms.

So slow it down, already! If he or she is really "the one," they're not going anywhere. For the record, that was just a figure of speech. I don't really believe there is only one true love out there for each person, but my point is the same: Take your time and do it right. This might be the only chance you get with that particular person. Don't screw it up by skipping the foundation. Until next time...Happy Dating!