Baltimore OUTloud | Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Community News Maryland

Single Black Sheep

Where the Boys Are

By Josh Aterovis

Since I started my Single Black Sheep column, one question has popped up over and over: "These rules are great and all, but I need to have a date first. Where do I meet guys?" The answer depends on a number of criteria: where you live, how outgoing you are, what you're looking for, your slut factor...just to name a few.

Obviously, if you are a city dweller you have a few more options than if you live in a more rural environment. In the past, the usual meeting place has always been the bar. But let's face it: unless you're extremely lucky, your chances of meeting the man (or woman) of your dreams in a bar are slim to none. Bars are usually too loud to have a real conversation, and since the entire point of a bar is sell alcoholic beverages, there's an excellent chance that you'll be inebriated. Has anyone ever made a good decision while under the influence? Meeting someone for the first time is not really something you want to do while your judgment is impaired and your inhibitions are lowered.

Now before you start writing me e-mails, I know there are exceptions to every rule. If you met the love of your life at a bar and you've been together for six whole weeks, then I'm really happy for you, but you're definitely part of a fortunate few.

Maybe you prefer marching with a clever hand-drawn sign, or helping those less fortunate to downing adult beverages at your local tavern. If you're the activist type then there are a few other, more sober ideas. For those with a more civic-minded outlook, find a charity or community organization and get involved. I know a couple that met while participating in the Ride for the Feast, a charity fundraiser that supports Movable Feast, which benefits those living with HIV/AIDS and breast cancer. It must have been something about those spandex bike shorts. Rawr!

Let me make one thing clear, though...I'm not suggesting you get involved with your local fight for equality just to pick up guys, but it is a great way to meet people with similar values and views. As a bonus, if he's fighting for the right to get married, he's probably relationship oriented!

If you're of a more religious bent, there's always church. Don't go rushing off to your closest Catholic church and pop into the confessional looking for a date. If you're reading this, you're probably too old for him anyway. Find a gay or gay-friendly congregation and start attending. Traditionally, Metropolitan Community Churches and Unitarian Universalist congregations have always been welcoming, but lately more denominations are opening their doors to gay and lesbian worshippers. I know of welcoming and affirming Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopal, Presbyterian, and even Baptist and Catholic churches in the Baltimore area. Most conservative and reform Jewish synagogues are also welcoming.

Or maybe you're more of a Gleek. If you were a theater or glee club geek, then get involved with your local theater groups or lgbt chorus. Baltimore offers both the New Wave Singers, an all-inclusive mixed chorus, and the Baltimore Men's Chorus. If sports are more your thing, many areas have lgbt sports teams. The DC/Baltimore area offers everything from softball teams to hiking groups, including volleyball, soccer, running, ice hockey, bowling, and even scuba diving.

Of course, these days, the most common way to meet people is online. For better or for worst, social networking sites like Facebook and MySpace are the modern bar, at least in terms of meeting people. The cocktails people keep sending me on Facebook are nowhere near as good as the real thing. (PS...feel free to stop sending me those things. And while we're on the subject, no I don't want to join your guild, your vampire coven, or plant something in your farm. And no, that last one is not a euphemism.)

Dating sites like Gay.com, JustGuys.net, Connexion.org, and even more mainstream sites like Chemistry.com, can sometimes be helpful in meeting people as long as you're extremely selective, but for the most part, they tend to turn into meat markets. (Let's not even get into sites like Manhunt and Adam4Adam. If you're using those sites, you're not exactly looking for a lasting relationship, unless by lasting you mean ten to fifteen minutes.)

That said, I have met some great guys on dating sites, including my current boyfriend. Again, I reiterate, you just have to be very careful. Make sure you're specific about what you're looking for when you fill out your profile. The more information you give, the more likely you'll find someone with similar interests and goals.

The danger with meeting guys online is that sometimes the virtual meeting can turn into virtual dating. Here's a tip. Don't do it. For every long-distance, online relationship that actually works out, there are probably a thousand that don't. Maybe more. It just doesn't work. Relationships grow by spending time together. Chatting on IM or texting doesn't count as quality time. There's no substitute for real interaction.

So there you go. These are just a few suggestions, not an exhaustive list by any means. The important thing is to be proactive. You can't just sit around waiting for a guy to fall in your lap. Be creative and think outside the box. Maybe you have some ideas or success stories of your own. Feel free to e-mail them to me. Until next time...Happy Dating!