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Single Black Sheep
Magnetic Relationships - Opposites Attract
By Josh Aterovis
As you may or may not have noticed, at the end of every column I have a little notice inviting people to write me with questions or stories about dating and relationships. A few of you have done so over the last several months, and I'll be sprinkling those in now and then. Here's our first letter.
Dear Single Black Sheep,
I am a 28-year-old gay male who is not promiscuous. I have been in one past relationship that lasted for four years. I have currently been single for the past five years. I have gone on many dates, but have not found anyone I really connected with, whether it be on their end or on mine.
I recently met a 37 year old man who I have fallen head-over-heels for but there is one hang up — he is HIV positive. I have always said that I didn't think I could date someone who was positive, but now I am seriously considering it. I have done a ton of research and even went to speak to a therapist. I am just at a loss! I don't know what to do. I am so afraid to love someone who might be sick and even worse die. He is already older than me, and I couldn't bear losing him. Any advice would be much appreciated. I just don't know how to make up my mind to either continue it or to move on. Any advice on how to make that decision?
Thanks,
J
The simple answer is love comes along so rarely, if you truly love each other, you'll find a way to make it work. I know that's overly simplistic, however. As you mentioned, there are so many complications involved. I've actually done a lot of research on positive/negative relationships (sometimes called magnetic relationships, but technically known as "discordant couples") because I once considered being in one. It didn't work out in the end, but not because of the HIV. There are safe ways to be in a +/- relationship. It has its special challenges, but it can be done. I know of quite a few such relationships that are successful and happy.
From a practical standpoint, one of the most common concerns is sex. People in magnetic relationships can still have healthy sex lives, you just need to practice some precautions. Some couples decide not to engage in higher risk sexual activities like anal and oral sex, but many others do so by using protection correctly. Studies have proven that the negative partners in magnetic couples that use protection every time stay negative. Having said that, even safer sex is not 100% protection so there is still some risk. It's a decision each couple has to make for themselves.
As you mention, another one of the most common fears is the idea of watching your partner get sick and possibly die. With the new treatments available today, many people with HIV are leading long, healthy lives, and scientists are always working hard on a cure. While we still don't have that cure, there have been some exciting breakthroughs in the last few years that seem very promising.
