Baltimore OUTloud | Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Community News Maryland

Single Black Sheep

What I've Learned From Dating

By Josh Aterovis

I started dating in my thirties. I came out in my early 20s and moved immediately into a serious, long-term relationship that lasted eight years. When that fell apart, I suddenly found myself single for the first time in my adult gay life. I didn't really know how to date and the whole prospect kind of intimidated me. What could I expect? Would anybody be interested in someone of my advanced years? After all, 30 is like 75 in gay years, right?

I've now been out of that relationship for a little over a year and I can honestly say being single has been nothing like what I expected. I've dated quite a bit, and even had at least one serious boyfriend in that time. It didn't work out, but not for any fault on either side — just one of those things where we're probably better off as friends. I have to say, it's been an interesting year. Let's just say I've learned a lot.

Oh. So you want to know what I've learned? Hmm. Okay. Well, for starters, I've learned that guys my age seem to be in demand, especially by much younger guys. I've been hit on and asked out by so many guys in their late-teens and early-20s it's not even funny. While it was a much needed ego boost, it definitely surprised me. I couldn't figure out why they'd be interested in me, so I started doing a little investigative journalism.

Some, it seemed, were just looking for a daddy...preferably of the sugar variety. And they're pretty cool with admitting that. They were quickly disappointed to learn they were barking up the wrong tree when it came to me. Hey, I'm a writer. If anybody needs a sugar daddy around here... More importantly, though, I've learned I'm looking for something a little more egalitarian when it comes to relationships.

At least one was looking to live out his Yaoi fantasies, but the majority of them said they were just looking for guys who were more mature and ready to have a serious relationship. They were tired of all the games and the childishness that came along with dating guys their own age. I hate to be the one to break it to you boys, but too many guys never outgrow all that crap.

The second thing I learned is that while the youngsters are out in full force, it's much harder to meet guys in my age range, at least guys with whom I share a mutual attraction. It seems like most of the men I'm interested in are already in relationships. Straight women always complain that all the best guys are either taken or gay. Sometimes, ladies, they're both. It seems like the most I can hope for is to stumble across someone in a situation much like my own — relatively fresh out of a serious relationship — and hope he's not too emotionally scarred.

I also learned that life most certainly does not end at 30. My thirties have been nothing if not eventful. Not all of those events were fun and/or happy, but your third decade doesn't have to be a death sentence for your dating life. After all, it's when mine started, and my dance card has stayed pretty full.

Finally, though, and most importantly, I've learned a lot about myself...and what I want from a relationship. After my failed marriage, I went looking for anything and anyone that seemed as far away from my ex as possible. Gradually, as I've started to focus in on what I'm really looking for, much to my surprise, I've come to realize that the things that worked in that relationship were the things I liked the most...and the things I'd like to have again someday. And the things that didn't work? Well, they were issues I had specifically with my ex, and are individual traits I should look to avoid...but I shouldn't throw out the baby with the bathwater. There were a lot of great life lessons to be learned from that relationship and I'd be a fool to discard it all just because it didn't work out.

So using all that I've learned from dating, and everything I learned from my past relationships, I'm still out there looking for my Mr. Right. Or maybe I've already found him and just don't know it yet. Time will tell...and I'm okay with being patient.

Until next time...Happy Dating!