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Single Black Sheep
The Perfect Drug
By Josh Aterovis
Dear Single Black Sheep,
First off, I don't usually ask for advice, but I think I need some real help. In the past I have made my fair share of mistakes. Back when I was in high school, around 2006, I met this guy we'll call Roger. He wasn't out, and at that point in my life, I made a game of pulling guys out of the closet. We started watching movies at his place, one thing led to another and we had sex. Like my normal pattern then, after I got what I wanted, I left him for dead practically. It took me about two weeks to get into his pants, and after that I didn't speak to him again until the following year. I repeated my pattern. I'd get into his pants and then disappear again, even repeating it again in the summer of 2008.
In the fall of 2008, I made some big changes in my life. I went away for about eight and a half months. The first three were in jail; I was fueling my drug addiction with petty theft and got caught. After the trial, I was put into a long-term rehabilitation program. A month and two weeks after I got out, Roger called me. We start talking, and I told him what had happened to me. I also told him how sorry I was for what I did to him. He accepted my apology, telling me that the reason he lost over 75 lbs was because of me. He'd fallen for me back in 2006, but at that time, I did not believe in love. We met up for my birthday, and eventually went back to his house. I had planned to have sex with him even though I knew I shouldn't, but then I told him that I was not going to do what I had done to him in the past, because I knew how much I'd hurt him.
I kept my promise, we talked every day, and then suddenly things changed. He started using my own tactics of avoidance against me, later telling me that it was because he didn't feel he had the same feelings that I had for him. Basically, he said I was being a little overbearing school girl with a crush. After not talking for about a week, I apologized to him, and he set a few boundaries with me, saying he wanted to go back to just talking verses "relationship."
So now we're back to just talking and it's killing me. I feel like I'm in love with him. I've always used men to gratify my own existence, but this feels different. I'm different. I know I've changed. I just keep feeling like I'm overdoing everything and it's hard for me to stop. It's like he's a new drug. I have now been clean for eleven months, so not very long, but long enough that my mind isn't so clouded and lacking in the judgment department. I just don't know what to do to keep him. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
Help!
Desperate in Delaware
Right away, two things jump out at me. First, you need to keep in mind that you did this guy wrong not once, not twice, but three times in the not-so-distant past. He fell for you and you used him for sex and mind-games. You may be a different person now, but it's not that easy for him to forget what happened. While Roger may still have some very complicated feelings for you, it will take a while for him to fully trust you again — assuming he will ever be able to trust you at all. It only takes a second to break someone's trust, but it can take a lifetime to rebuild it.
The second thing that concerned me was your very telling phrase, "It's like he's a new drug." As I was reading your letter, even before I got to that line, I was thinking, "He's replacing one addiction with another." It's common for recovering addicts to do exactly that. After all, what is addiction, really, but a reliance on something else to make you happy? Before, it was drugs for you. Now, it's Roger. You need to figure out how to be happy on your own before you jump into a serious relationship.
As for my advice about Roger, I think the idea of keeping it to friendship only is a very good one for both of you right now. It will allow you to find your footing on your own without simply transferring your addiction from one thing to another, and it will allow Roger time to see that you really have changed. The best case scenario for you would be that you gain the confidence and self-reliance to be a good and healthy partner for someone around the same time that Roger realizes he can trust you, and the two of you live happily ever after. The worst case scenario is that you end up with a good friend. Sounds like a win-win situation to me. So just relax. Stop trying to force something and just enjoy his friendship. After everything that's happened between the two of you, it sounds like you're pretty lucky to even have that.
By the way, congratulations on getting clean and kicking your drug habit. I wish you the best with that, and with Roger. Good luck. Until next time...Happy Dating!
Have a question about dating or relationships? Or maybe you have a crazy dating story to share. If you have a question or story, email me at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it
