Baltimore OUTloud | Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Community News Maryland

Modes of Imprisonment Narrative

by Lynnette Jackson

The feeling of imprisonment is one that I have encountered often throughout my life, simply because I was never what society would call normal. At age 13, I began to question my sexuality, because I found myself more attracted to females then males. When these questions conquered my daily thoughts, I began to look into homosexuality. And from my results, it was clear that homosexuality was not favored, and considered immoral or irregular. I read certain passages in the Bible such as Corinthians (6: 9, 10) where it states, “The sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, passive homosexual partners, practicing homosexuals, 10 thieves, the greedy, drunkards, the verbally abusive, and swindlers will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

I am a strong believer of God and Judgment Day, and I felt like this reoccurring idea could have been a test. One of the many tests that God sends to you, to assess your faith.  As I entered 9th grade, I was very successful but deeply depressed. These thoughts clouded my mind, until I finally gave in to what my mind had been telling me over the past 2 years. My clothes began to feel uncomfortable, I didn’t like low cut shirts, or anything the average girl would wear. I enjoyed sweat pants, t-shirts, tennis shoes, and occasional skinny jeans. At this point my parents began to question themselves, but they blamed the stress of private school on my change of behavior.

To my family, I was Lynnette also known as Netty Boo, heterosexual, a basketball player, somewhat distant, but very intelligent. To my friends, I was known as Nette, a lesbian, a basketball player, very supportive and very intelligent.

There I was living two different lives, all in one place. I began to isolate myself from my family when I got tired of living in my second world, and they began to question me. My sisters would sneak through my cell phone at night, but get thrown off by fake names.  They would log into my ‘MySpace’ and ‘Facebook’ accounts attempting to find the big secret that I’d been hiding, until I finally slipped up and left my cell phone unlocked with text messages.

My sisters immediately informed my parents, and then it was the time. Time to come out, or at least that’s the term most people call it. While sitting at a round table, each member of my immediate family staring me in the eyes asked the same question, “Are you gay?” I knew that this simple yes or no would not be simple at all, and I knew that if the answer was yes, I would be forced to watch four pairs of eyes be let down. But I did it, and this was the beginning of my imprisonment.

Entering my 10th grade year, I felt completely alone. I noticed different treatment from my family, most dinner conversations now included sarcastic comments. School was something that I usually got excited for, but I totally felt the opposite. I wore my clothes uncomfortably to suit my family, so I would not disappoint them as much. I hated being trapped in my body. I wished that I could be the normal girl, who loved to wear skirts and bathing suits, and loved guys. But that wasn’t me. For a whole year I questioned my existence, and why God would make me like this, even if He knew how I would be affected. This self-hatred was equivalent to being thrown in the hole, with no light, and barely being able to hold on.

One day I received a text message from my best friend of 12 years addressing the issue. In the message he stated that he would always love me. I guess sometimes you need another perspective from an outsider, who won’t judge you, but who is open- minded and who listens. I began pouring my heart out to him, and although he has never been in this exact situation, he understood. He always saw the emphasis my parents put on me, and this was the one thing that interrupted it. I was no longer the golden child, I was the confused one. And I felt as though all of my success was forgotten when my homosexuality was revealed.